Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Wherever You Go...

So I am out of fundamentalism.
Well, at least the extreme, separatist types. The whole KJVO, hyper-separation, etc., etc. is in my past. Heck, my church doesn't even have "Baptist" in the name.
I have been wont to refer to my church as conservative evangelical, but honestly, I think it falls somewhere between Bob Jones and John MacArthur. John MacArthur, Bob Jones, and John Rice historically represent the three main branches of fundamentalism. As such, it fits very much in the fundamentalist category. My previous "conservative evangelical" estimation was my latent hyper-separatism talking- my John Rice/Jack Hyles "we're the REAL fundamentalists" background. I thought that was gone already! So even as of October 2009, I am STILL rooting out that old hyper-separatist junk from my mind and soul.
So I now I get to deal with me. Darn. A number of blogs have closed recently, that have dealt with problems in certain fundamentalist circles. They, as I, have concluded that leaving is preferable to reforming, and they want to focus on their new spiritual direction. As I do. This is noble; we should all seek to grow in grace. The endless battles over KJV and pants and music and dictator pastors and gimmicky evangelism methods just gets old and realize few are listening and it upsets you more than anything.
But--- you are left with you. That is a scary thing. Do you really want to work on yourself? If you do, be prepared for some depression. God has worked good through it, to establish doctrine and to clear out the excuses for your lack of vibrant spiritual life. OK, now you are at the church of your dreams (more or less). How is your soul now, Christian? You are left with yourself, aren't you? Wherever you go, there you are. Isn't it frustrating?
You still don't know what a victorious prayer life is, do you? You still ask yourself whether that's the voice of God or if that is your own mind? You go even further and sometimes, in the middle of the night, and increasingly during the day, you secretly ask yourself whether God even exists.
You start rationalizing that when Jesus said if two or more ask something in His name, He will do it, whether he really meant two or more of the APOSTLES he was speaking to. Because you and your wife or husband or pastor have beseeched the Lord in prayer together without answer.
Even though you maintain a belief in prayer and the Bible and church you begin to wonder whether the Lord cares less about what you believe and more about your doubts. If he that doubts the food is damned when he eats, is he that doubts the goodness of God damned if he beseeches Him? You secretly know that if your heart was freed of your mind you would never step foot in church again.
Or maybe it's just me.

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